|"good times, bad times...you know i've had my share..."
||[Apr. 26th, 2006|12:36 pm]
|[||how i fucking feel
|[||what i'm fucking hearing
|||||video game noises||]|
i wish i didn't think so goddamn much.
it's damn near impossible not to.
for some reason the bad thoughts come easier than the good ones.
I layed in bed with Caleb last night watching Hercules, and i rolled over and tried to concentrate on the noises the fan made, and nothing else. But thoughts kept creeping into my mind without me even thinking about them. No matter what, there is always something on my mind. Always something for me to think about. I wish i could just not think for once. For a whole day, just go out without a thought in my head, just enjoying whatever it is i may be doing. But, sadly, it will never be like that. I will go throughout each day with heavy thoughts burdening (<- is that right?) my every move. Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if you could trade minds with people, see things the way they see them. It would be a nice change every now and then. But what is the point of wanting things to happen that can never happen in reality? There isn't one. Because no matter what, i'm stuck with my brain, my mind, my thoughts, and my view of the world, which happens to be shitty. I wish i could be happier more. And smile more. And laugh more. But for some reason, it doesn't happen. Don't get me wrong, i am happy -with caleb, and oatis, and my family, my "friends" and so on- but i want to look at things in a good way; in a positive way. Instead of being so damn negative and sarcastic all the time. Call it hormones or whatever you want, but i just don't feel right latel. Every little thing makes me teary-eyed. I go off at Caleb for stupid pointless shit. I seem to fuck up everything i try to do. I just gotta keep my head up, i guess. Try not to be brought down. It's hard sometimes, though. Especially when you criticize yourself. Even when there's no one else, you're always suppose to love yourself. And thats not always true for me. I find myself hating me more and more. I'm just "stuck in a rut", i suppose. I need a job. That would take up some of my time, and keep my mind busy. Give me something to talk about. A change wuld be good. Just not a drastic one. I can't take drastic change. I can't take a lot of things. I'm just one emotional little girl lately. I'm sorry you all had to read about this.
Eternal LOVE to Led Zeppelin.